Are you scared?

Yes I am.

I’m scared of saying the wrong things, scared of looking stupid, sounding stupid, scared of failing, scared of not being good enough, scared of becoming scared. I find myself living with so much fear, I’m starting to wonder whether these fears are even legitimate.

It was so hard at first to admit that there are many things I am afraid of, that everyday I am faced with moments of fear. It’s easy to convince myself that everything is fine but in my heart I know it’s not. My heart pounds, my stomach twists, my hands tremble. I want to run and hide.

No I can’t. I shouldn’t.

Face it Charinee. Do it Charinee. Be brave. Be strong. Say it. Just say it.

And so I did. I told her that I can’t feel her love, I told him that I hate him and why I hate him. I told her to grow up and leave me alone, I told him to grow up and leave me alone. I told everyone I can do this, I told everyone I can’t do this. I said to a few people I don’t care, I actually don’t care. I said to a few people that I do care, I actually do care. I said to you I love you. I said to you I don’t love you anymore.

I had to be true to myself, and honest to everybody else. I admitted my fear and I went for it. Plunged into the deep end of the ocean and swam my way back up for air. It worked and I survived. Life is hard, but it gets better.

I finally feel safe – safe to be scared.

A little personal

Brownie and Snoopy

Some of you may have known already but my favorite dog passed away last week. Favorite probably wouldn’t be the best word to describe how special he is to me and how much love I have for him, but I’ll leave it as that for now.

So Snoopy (the dog’s name), was 13 when he left us in the middle of his sleep. I was told about his death the next day, as he passed away the night before in Bangkok while I was struggling to fall asleep in Shanghai. I had a bad feeling that night, I sensed that something wasn’t right but I just couldn’t pinpoint it. The first thing that sprung to mind was Snoopy, but again it could be other things. By the time I fell asleep, Snoopy would’ve been gone already. I woke up the next morning (from a sleep that felt more like a 5 minute nap) to the news of his death and in that moment, I fell into a dark hole. Devastation never hit me that hard.

You might be thinking, big deal, just a dog, least he died peacefully. True. Plus he was sick and considered quite old for a dog’s age. True again. But have you ever truly grieved for something or someone you genuinely care about? I’m sure most of you had, and the others probably will be experiencing it sooner or later.

Grieving allows you to be truly sad. You are forced to feel sorrow deep within your heart, in fact, your heart is in physical pain, and your body doesn’t want to move. You forget that you’re actually breathing, and your mind stops dead. All you know is that tears are rolling down your eyes, and headache will soon follow after.

Now, I’m not sharing my grief here. I just wanted to share a sad journey that I think everyone should go through. Sadness, has a few beauties which happiness can never have. Sadness has depth, but happiness doesn’t. Sadness has tears, and tears go deeper than any laughter can ever go. Sadness has a silence of its own, a melody. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be happy, but once you’ve felt sadness, you’ll truly embrace happiness too.

Let yourself be sad, and then you’ll find that everything is going to be okay.